Whites Only

“Racism is sin.” That statement has the rare quality of being both popular and true. Even more striking is the fact that it is even held up as a cardinal doctrine by those who claim to be completely irreligious. Their creed may be a short one but they are dogmatic nonetheless.

Stranger still, the virtue of the statement isn’t tarnished by the odd company it keeps. It remains true when dressed in either red or blue. Say it loudly and you will rouse the approval of asses and elephants alike. Say it often and it becomes the cultural purgative that absolves you every other “moral inexactitude.” Say it repeatedly and you may even get a street named after you. Say it consistently and you will be excoriated…

There doth appear to be some sort of terminological voodoo at work whenever the phrase is uttered. The words are regarded as absolute—except when they aren’t. They are a relative absolute; an amorphous abstraction that loses any certitude when pointed in the wrong direction. Racism is a sin. Despite the apparent irony, it is a sin that can only be perpetrated by a single race. Whether that race is simply superior at sinning or inferior in moral adjudications we are not told. But we are told, with considerable volume, that they and they alone must bear the burden of guilt in the matter of racial strife and animus.  Of course, one way to ensure that everybody takes racism seriously is to throw about charges of it with wild abandon.

Since the sensitivity camps are all presently overbooked, I would like to help you own your guilt and learn to properly loathe yourself. Unfortunately, I had to come by these lessons the hard way. I would like to spare you all that unpleasantness in order to get on with the more important unpleasantness. You are overdue. Racism is the sin and you are the sinner. Yes you. What follows are ten considerations that will help you effectively learn your place.  Personalize them and make them your own. *Disclaimer: this applies to whites only; everyone else should just blame us.

1. I am not allowed to say anything that can, with divination and chicken entrails, be interpreted as being racially charged. My statement need not actually be racially charged, if it can be shown under the worst light and the highest temperatures to hint at something unapproved by N.I.C.E., then I’m offensive.

2. Being white is a natural handicap, brought about through the fault of birth, that prevents me from being able to engage other races with the criticism with which I am engaged.

3. Racial discrimination can only run in one direction. This is necessarily the case. Discriminating people are easy to spot because they are all the same pasty white color.

4. Equality is bigotry. Every race should stand on equal footing–atop the broken backs of those callous Caucasians.

5. If I’m not one, I can’t address one. Unless I desire to wear high heels and marry men I can’t criticize homos. If I’m not an addict then “I just can’t understand.” If I don’t have a functioning uterus I can’t decry abortion. If I’m not elderly or infirmed I can’t speak about the propriety of mercy killings. (Though since we are racists this is a moot point.)

6. Racial praise and privilege is not inherently wrong as long as the present culture affirms that race.

7. Sensitivity is a virtue; honesty is a vice. It doesn’t matter if its true. It isn’t culturally acceptable to make someone uncomfortable. Of course, this does not apply statements upbraiding white people. That creamy skin is thick; they can take it. Fire away.

8. We aren’t preaching the whole gospel if we aren’t preaching white guilt. We must be made aware that we are born sinners in Adam and made greater sinners by our European heritage. This gospel saves us from any appreciation for our fathers, any honoring of our heritage. February instructs us as to which fathers may be venerated.

9. National life is like a wildlife reserve. Minorities are protected and may not be touched on pain of death, while at the same time it’s open season on the unprotected majority. They must be kept manageable.

10. Most importantly, I’ve learned that I should just sit here like a good boy and learn to eat my mess of Orwellian pottage. It took way too much negotiating on the part of my betters to exchange my birthright for it. Otherwise I would think that we were born free from the threat of the tolerance guillotine. If I want to keep my head I have to learn my place. It’s time that you did too.

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